“Humans, its what’s for dinner.”
SPONSORED BY: Survival of the Dummies Incorporated - Saving humans one dummy at a time.
Humans have enjoyed many years on top of the food chain. We gobbled up whatever was tasty with little concern that the things we ate would come back to eat us. Well, now things are different. Statistically, you are 74% more likely to have a zombie take a bite out of your leg than you are taking a bite from a leg of chicken. Survival of the Dummies Incorporated recognizes these risks and wants to help!
How do you stay off the walking dead’s dinner plate? We have run numerous studies, and the key to bite-free is keeping your distance. Attacking them with bats or axes is effective but your chance of infection increases by 174%. Close encounters should only be used as a last resort. Obviously, using one of our patented laser rifles is the best option, but if you could afford one you wouldn’t be reading this survival guide, so we’ll just skip over that option. Instead, this three-pronged strategy increases your chance of survival: Bolt. Avoid. Distract. This scientifically proven B.A.D strategy can be the difference between life and death and the three letter acronym makes it easy to remember.
Why the three-pronged strategy? Not all zombies are the same. They react differently based on the length of their undead-ness and how hungry they are when presented with a new meal. And by ‘meal’, we mean you. We found that the more they eat, the ‘smarter’ they get. However, the longer they go without food, the more aggressive they become. This see-saw in intelligence vs aggressiveness will vary between every zombie and by applying our strategy, it will help you evaluate your situation.
Strategy 1: Bolt
Tighten the laces on your shoes. Turn away from the zombie(s). Run!
Strategy 2: Avoid
Survival of the Dummies Incorporated makes two products that can help you deter the walking dead altogether. Zom-Bie-Gone ® is your first option. The enzymes create an odorous barrier for zombies on the higher intelligence scale. The smarter ones hate the smell and will often stay clear. However, if you encounter zombies on the more aggressive/stupid scale, your best bet is Zom-breeze®. This patented fragrance will give you the scent of the walking dead. Zombies will be less likely to attack, but loaner zombies may investigate your location if you linger too long.
Strategy 3: Distract
Like humans, zombies struggle with complex situations when they are disturbed or annoyed. If you can throw a zombie off their game, it may give you enough time to escape. If you’re a cheapskate, always keep a bag of rocks or marbles handy. These items allow you to keep your distance while you pelt the walking dead from afar. Even young ones in your group can join in on the fun. The constant physical shock to the zombie‘s system forces them to divert mental resources as they attempt to avoid the projectiles. This will slow their pace and if distracted enough, you may be able to lead them into a well-placed pit or cage.
DISCLAIMER: All claims made in these survival guides are known to be partially or completely false. Products from Survival of the Dummies Incorporated come with no warranty or guarantee and should be used at the user’s own peril. All complaints should be delivered in person at the following address. 1 Survive Blvd. Fourth Rock from the Sun, Mars 9021π