How to Get your groove back after being bit by a Vampire!
SPONSORED BY: Survival of the Dummies Incorporated - Saving humans one dummy at a time.
As the saying goes, you don’t have to out run the vampire chasing you, you just have to out run the nearest human. If you’re reading this, you were the slow one in that scenario.
All jokes aside, becoming a vampire doesn’t mean a life of solitude and angst. Contrary to popular belief, you can still live a quality life! We’ll address the top 3 complaints that people have expressed after being turned into a vampire. We are here to help!
1. “I want to see my old human friends, but they are afraid of me.”
No doubt, this is a tough one. If you spent decades with the same people and now you’re stuck in darkness for half a day with other vampires, this can be a huge lifestyle change. What can you do? In the year 2040, Survival of the Dummies Incorporated started acquiring abandoned and dilapidated buildings that served no purpose. These buildings were revitalized and retrofitted with what we call “Dual Utility Multiple Biology” Technology. D.U.M.B Technology uses artificial intelligence and sophisticated monitoring to keep the lighting in small areas at a tolerable level for vampires while completely illumining the surrounding areas. This safe lighting will follow you around as you move about. The other concern is safety. To put your human friends at ease, this same D.U.M.B Technology allows humans to place impenetrable force fields between you and your old friends. If you get any uncontrollable blood sucking urges, your loved ones will be safe and sound. You can converse face to face as if you were sitting in their living room at home with no risk!
2. “Biting people is gross!”
We realize becoming a vampire comes with a certain gravitas and a sense of refinement. Unfortunately, feeding off humans isn’t pretty in the year 2040. Often unwashed humans covered in soot and smelling of BO makes for an unappetizing meal. How do you resolve this? Easy! Try Survival of the Dummies Incorporated's new human sanitizer: Neck-Ta Fresh. It comes in an easy to use spray bottle for your convenience. Simply spray on the human, count to 3, and you’re ready to bite! The synthetic enzymes simultaneously disinfect the skin, converts dirt particles into sugar molecules, and leaves the human smelling clean. Best of all, it’s garlic and gluten free!
3. “Stakes. Why did it have to be stakes?”
Just mentioning a wooden stake is probably sending chills through your body. Even though you can fly, morph, lift incredible weight, and heal quickly, all humans know your weaknesses and will exploit them whenever possible. Wooden stakes are the biggest issue. Statistically, you are 70% more likely to be impaled by a wooden stake when compared to UV or holy water burns. This is where Survival of the Dummies Incorporated can help. The new Wearable Enhanced Armor Kit Chest Plate will put your mind at ease. Never be afraid of surprise wooden stake attacks as the W.E.A.K Chest Plate shields you from all types of species including oak wood, ash wood, and hawthorn wood. It is also fully customize-able and allows you to wear a full shoulder to waist protective shield for extra safety, or reconfigure to a lightweight chest only configuration when your slim fitting evening attire is needed.
DISCLAIMER: All claims made in these survival guides are known to be partially or completely false. Products from Survival of the Dummies Incorporated come with no warranty or guarantee and should be used at the user’s own peril. All complaints should be delivered in person at the following address. 1 Survive Blvd. Fourth Rock from the Sun, Mars 9021π